February 2, 2013

I know this blog is beginning way late in the game but I will try to catch ya up on that who what when and where of what's going on w/ us!
When you get married everyone always tells you to enjoy it for a few years before you start a family because you have PLENTY of time.  Well isn't a bitch when you find out that time is almost up?  To pretty much hear you probably should have been trying to have kids at 20 not 27.  That at 27 your female organs are that of a much older woman and that you will probably go through menopause by the time you are 35.  You sit back and wonder WTF!  I had no clue what a low ovarian reserve meant until I Googled it and was like well damn this sucks.  Yes, I know it doesn't mean that we can't have a child of our own because yes we have got pregnant before but it's just a lot harder for us on our own.  I don't have many eggs left and as the eggs quantity depletes so does the egg quality.  You watch everyone around you having kids and wonder when it's going to be your turn.  You watch people have their first kid and then their second and your still in the same spot trying for one. 
Christmas 2012 started the 3rd year of trying to have a baby.  It totally sucks especially when everyone tells you to quit trying or when God's ready you will have a baby.  You just want to scream sometimes because it's usually the people who already have kids and never struggle with infertility so that have no clue what you're going through or been through until you tell them and even then there is sympathy or pity because they never had to experience it themselves.
When me and Scott got pregnant in March of 2012 that was the most exciting news for us because we were going to have a family.  Don't get me wrong we have tons of family who love us and are always there for us but actually starting one of our own was something we both wanted.  It really was heart breaking to lose our baby 3 weeks later.  For me I struggled to not blame myself and try to figure out what I did wrong or if I was being punished for things of my past.  It's hard not to want to ask God why?  I won't lie and say I didn't get depressed and kind of close myself off from everyone.  The anger and sadness was so strong and I didn't know what to do with it all.  It made me bitter and almost resentful.  I didn't want to be around people who were pregnant or had babies because the pain of if was so hard for me I couldn't hold back tears.  Every month my period would arrive and I would just cry cry cry.
As of December me and Scott made a goal we wanted to get healthy but I also made a goal that I wanted to get back to being me and feeling good and not depressed or resentful or sad being around everyone with babies.  I have to say as of today I am doing exceptional well I think.  I've lost 17lbs and Scott has lost 25lbs and thanks to a friend of mine Jennifer recommending a book called "Conquering Infertility" it has helped me to be able to let go and relax with everything going on with us.
Scott and I went to the Dr yesterday and did found out we have about a 30-35% chance of IVF working or we could try IUIs with about a 20% chance.  It's a lot easier to spend $4,500 on 3 IUIs and $10-$12,000 for a cycle of IVF.  We may try IUIs because that is something we can afford.  However, the more and more we go through all of this the more we both are up for adopting.  We just want to be parents.  I always wanted to have 2 or 3 kids and now I'm just praying that I can be a mother to one child even if it isn't one I gave birth too. 
I've learned through all this you just have to take it one day at a time.... well today is a good day so if God grants me tomorrow I hope it's another one. :)